The MOTHER of All Holiday Triggers: It's OK Not to Feel Celebratory on Mother's Day

“As long as I can remember I have never liked Mother’s Day,” says Alison Hunsicker, a full-time homemaker and caregiver to her disabled husband, with four children, ages seventeen to thirty-two. “Even when I communicate my expectations to my partner and our children, the day falls short. The worst year resulted in me yelling, ‘I hate this f’ing family!’ and leaving in my car to be by myself for hours. I wonder why it is so difficult to just acknowledge the huge contribution I make as a wife and mother?”

Mother’s Day triggers a lot of complex feelings, even if our families do show up for us. The emotional and physical demands of motherhood are so significant and unrecognized that one day of flowers and omelets can feel inadequate and even insulting. We often carry stress and resentment, as well as shame for not savoring every minute of motherhood as we’re told we should.

“I think as women, we can appreciate the idea of Mother’s Day in theory, but many of us actually resent it,” says Heather Hiller, LPC, a family therapist in private practice in NE Pennsylvania and remotely via BetterHelp. “We want to feel loved and appreciated every day by partners who pull their weight. We want a world in which mothers are honored and cared for in practice not just in lip-service and every woman feels safe and supported in her decision to have a child when she feels it’s appropriate.”

For those of us who have chosen not to have children, Mother’s Day is a reminder of the pressures and tension we have faced around that issue. Others of us mourn Mother’s Day because our efforts for pregnancy or adoption have ended in loss or frustration and seeing pictures of moms with their kids and hearing people talk of the divine role of mother on Mother’s Day twists the knife, leaving us feeling more lonely or inadequate.

Of course, Mother’s Day is also painful for those who have lost their own moms. Heather advises that for those grieving their moms’ deaths, “Grief has stages, and the final stage is acceptance. This stage comes with understanding your emotions, allowing yourself to experience the emotions and allowing yourself to enjoy life again. This of course does not mean we won’t miss our moms but allows us to experience the good with the pain. Find ways to honor the memory; maybe it’s a trip to their burial place, eating their favorite meal, doing something you used to share together when she was living, or simply talking about them with other loved ones.”

This holiday can stir up challenging feelings for those who have contentious relationships with our moms, as well. Sonya Mastick is a small business owner and breakfast connoisseur. She says about traditional Mother’s Day brunch, “Not having a relationship with my mom is bittersweet. Gathering over brunch with my people is one of my favorite love languages and while I honestly enjoy and appreciate others doing it, I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt.” Sonya lives every day with the impact of childhood neglect, having been raised by a “dysfunctional and unhealthy” mother and says, “Our society places so much obligation- regardless of merit or value- on parental relationships, so along with the sorrow and sadness of not having what I need from my mother, there’s societal shame for not "honoring thy mother," regardless of how abusive she is.”

Valarie Stephens, parenting consultant and founder of Your Family Guru LLC, says, “My relationship with my mom is distanced and strained, and I feel powerless to change it without giving up pieces of myself that I am unable or unwilling to forfeit. When my first marriage ended and I started to understand and accept who I am, and eventually married my wife, my mom and I stopped seeing eye-to-eye on how I should live. On Mother’s Day I want her to feel special, but I stopped sending cards a few years ago after ending up on the floor in the card isle of my local Target bawling my eyes out. I feel pressure and guilt to come home for the holiday, but home doesn’t feel physically or emotionally safe.”

Mother’s Day finds us reflecting on how we were mothered and our own experience with motherhood and maternal societal expectations. Wherever we are these journeys, what are the best gifts we can give ourselves this Sunday in May?

Community. “Oftentimes gathering with friends who can’t see their kids, who also might have no children, or who have difficult relationships with their own mothers makes it a day of healing,” Sonya says.

Rest and freedom from responsibility. “If I could have anything in the world for Mother’s Day,” Heather says, “I would love to be gifted a day on my own; no responsibilities and the knowledge that when I came home, I wouldn’t have to clean up after anyone and the house would continue to run as though I was here to manage everything.”

Joy and pleasure. For Valarie, now she and her wife and daughters go to the beach every Mother’s Day. “It is a place we can be away and be in the moment.”

Amy DePrez has a luxury solution. The business owner and mother of six children, ages sixteen to thirty-two, says she’s tired of the holiday. “I don’t even know why they call it Mother’s Day. I have to plan everything, call everyone to make sure they’re coming, make reservations or cook, and then clean up the mess. I think on Mother’s Day, all 5-star hotels should allow moms to stay free and be pampered. I can start a pilot program for them.”  

This Mother’s Day let’s remember that wherever we are, we aren’t alone in finding this messy and difficult. It’s OK not to have simple, picture-perfect day. Let’s take a moment to toast ourselves for who we are and all we’re navigating, because it’s a lot.

Sarah Zimmerman is a freelance writer in Northern California and is working on her first novel. In past lives,, she has been a Physician Assistant in Women's Health and the owner of a vegan ice cream business. Sarah writes about marriage, sex, parenting, infertility, pregnancy loss, social justice, and women's mental and physical health, always with honesty and humor. She has written for Ravishly, Cafe Mom, Pregnant Chicken, and more and can be found at sarahzwriter.com and on Medium, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and TikTok at @sarahzwriter.